雅思作文修改示范系列，从5分到7分是如何实现的（原创文章，大家支持）

2015-12-31 19:30:21 | 来源：新浪微博 | 投稿：李威廉老师 | 编辑：小柯

原标题：雅思作文修改示范系列，从5分到7分是如何实现的（原创文章，大家支持）

雅思作文修改示范系列，从5分到7分是如何实现的（原创文章，大家支持）Pressure on school and university students is increasing and students are pushed to study hard when they are young.

Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

Introduction

Today,school and university students are underheavyacademic pressureand many of them are forced to studyhard at an early age.

批注:collocation: heavypressure - use “intense pressure”

分析:这个批注透露了一个对广大雅思考生非常重要的一个信息---考官对于考生的词汇选择是有倾向性(preference)的！用heavy来修饰pressure是绝对可以的，在Google上搜索一下能够找到很多例子。但考官还是认为应该用intense pressure---因为很有可能在要表达“压力大”这个意思的时候他首先想到是intense pressure，至于你用的这个heavy pressure可不可以呢？Maybe，但这不是他作为一个native speaker首先会想到的第一选择，所以完全有可能在词汇（Lexical Resource）这个部分扣你的分。

很多考生之前有一个误区，认为表达某一个意思存在多种可能性的情况下，一定选最少见的那个。比如写雅思作文开头段我们经常会写“一些人认为……”，这里的“认为”用哪个词表达呢？

给大家四个选择：A. assert B. believe C. insist D. think

估计有不少人会选择A或者C，因为觉得believe或者think太低端。

我以前看到过有雅思老师教学生说“形容一间房间很大”除了用big, spacious之外还可以用“gigantic”（看上去很不明觉厉吧？其实在英语当中根本就不会有人用gigantic来形容一间房间。这样的教学除了让考生雅思作文越学分数越低并对老师产生盲目崇拜之外不会有别的结果）

结论：在表达某一个意思存在多种选择的情况下，选择你最有把握的而不是最少见的！

In my opinion, it is a negative developmentin general.

批注：why use this phrase?

分析:我本想表达“这总体来说是一个不好的现象”，一开始我并不明白为何考官不准我用‘in general’，后来仔细一想，发现本人一不小心犯了Chinese English的错误：我们在中文里经常听到有人说“XX总体来说还是一个好同志”，但仔细一想，在英语当中诸位有听过哪位英美人士说”I think Tom is a good guy IN GENERAL”吗？

结论：在写雅思议论文表达自己的观点(Position)的时候，好就是好，不好就是不好，”……总体上是好的，但是在某些方面有些问题”是典型的中国式思维，所以表明立场的时候不要用in general或者是generally。

这篇文章我使用的是三对一结构，因此经过考虑之后我把上面表明立场的statement改写成了如下形式：

In my opinion, although forced study may benefit students academically, it is likely to bring more negative effect.

Body

Admittedly,there can be benefits of such ‘forced study’. To be more specific, most students are likely to have improved academic performances. Forced study does work in keeping young students away from distractions such as video games or comic books and forcing them to spend more time concentrating on studies. As aresult, most students are indeed more likely to get higher scores in exams.

分析:本段为让步段，考官未标注任何问题。说明各位完全可以放心大胆的按照此段的结构来写让步段。(Development部分用的是本人独家开发的细化思维和批判性思维来展开和分析）

Despitethebenefit,potential problems should not be neglected.

考官批注：this benefit

分析:我被考官批改作文的严格程度吓到了。”The”在英语里既可以指代”this”也可以指代”that”，不够明确。试想，如果你在一家商场站在一堆衣服前跟你的朋友说“I like the dress”，基本上对方根本不知道你说的具体是面前一大堆衣服里面的哪一件。但如果你说”I like this dress”，那幺很明确你说的应该就是离你最近的目光所及之处的那件衣服。所以这里原本的”the”被改成了指代更加明确的”this”。

结论：能够用this或者that的地方就不要用the

First of all,forced studyis likely to result in psychological problems to students.

考官批注：paraphrase this

分析:上一段已经有过用forced study开头的句子了，因此从语言的多样性考虑，考官要求我把这里的forced study替换掉。因此这里我把主语改成了’forcing young students to study’.

Forcing young students, who are mentally fragile in general, to study hard imposes much pressure on them.Sometimes students find the pressure so overwhelming that some of them may simply collapse or even commit suicide in the face of it.

考官批注：excellentsentences and lexical resources

分析:红色标出的句子被考官表扬了。这个句子当中用overwhelming来形容pressure是本人较为得意的成功使用LV（Less-commonvocabulary）的典型案例。这样的句子也非常适合雅思写作以7分为目标的同学模仿。想知道作文7分句子要写成什幺样？就是这样的！

Moreover,the practicemay also deteriorate students’ practical skills.

考官批注：pushing students too hard

分析:practice为什幺不可以用？字典里的中文解释明明就是“做法”啊！然而仔细一看英文解释看出问题来了：A wayof doing sth that is the USUAL or expected way in a particular organization orsituation.所以确切来说practice应该指针对某种情况通常的做法，但本文讨论的逼迫学生从小拼命学习显然并不是一个非常usual的做法。

考官批注：Such as? Give examples because this is unclear.

分析: Practical skills原本在我的理解当中就是“动手能力”的意思。考官为何说“thisis unclear”呢？原来在英语当中practical skills是一个包含了很多个子集的非常笼统的概念。一个人很会做家务是一种practical skill，另一个会做木匠活也是一种practical skill，还有一个会做裁缝做衣服还是一种practical skill。

结论：议论文写作当中尽可能避免使用包含很多子集的笼统概念。具体而言，类似于下面的句子一律禁止：

…… is beneficial for the development of the society.(具体社会的哪方面发展了？经济还是文化还是科技？)

….. is good for students’ comprehensive development.(哪方面？生理上还是思想上？)

As is known, the improvement of one’s practicalskills is solely based onmuch time of practice.

考官批注：timedevoted to practice

分析:没什幺好说的，是我又中式英语了……

However, when students are forced to spend theirtime studying all day, they are actually deprived of the opportunities toparticipate inpractical work.

考官批注：what do you mean? give some examples/expand your point

分析:跟上面一样，practicalwork同样是一个包含了无数子集的笼统概念。

As a result, many students become‘nerds’who may even be unable to do any housework at all.

考官批注：you’ll need to explain what this term meansas it’s very colloquial

分析:“书呆子”在口语当中确实就是叫nerd，但雅思写作属于ACADEMICwriting，用词要学术，太过于口语化的表达不宜使用。

Finally, this practice also has negative effect on students’interpersonal contact. For example, a student who is excessively immersed in studies tends to become socially awkward and often ends up having few friends.

考官批注：excellentpoint and clear support

分析:这一部分又得到了考官的表扬。模仿吧！少年～

Conclusion

To conclude, forced study may help students in improving academic performances. Nevertheless,the only benefit is obviously dwarfed by the problems it may involve. For this reason, I reaffirm my conviction that it is not advisable to force students to study hard too early.

考官批注：thisis a really good ending

分析:结尾也被点名表扬了，所以argumentation结尾段就像我这样写就可以了！

考官总评：

Akata,this is a GOOD essay. There are some excellent complex sentences which contain a range of lexis and grammar. However, you tend to repeat some of the key words(forced study, practices, force).

Inaddition, you need to give some clear examples in order to make it clear for the reader（practicalskills, practical work）

Here are the IELTS scores:

IELTS Marking Criteria

My comments

Band score

Task Response

You wrote about 300 which is on the long side for Task 2. Make sure you manage your time as you will not have much time for Task 1.

Your first paragraph paraphrases the question well and includes your opinion.

You make relevant points but as said above make sure you give examples and possibly include some real life examples.

The conclusion rounds off the essay very effectively.

7.0

Cohesion and coherence

There is a clear overall progression in the writing and ideas are arranged coherently. Paragraphs are very well constructed. You use a variety of linkers throughout. Sentences are generally well constructed and complex. GOOD

7.0-8.0

Lexical resource

The range of vocabulary is generally very good. However, there are some instances of repetition of key words. Consider rephrasing/using synonyms. GOOD

7.0-8.0

Grammatical range and accuracy

You use a range of structures both simple and complex. Accuracy is much better. Only minor errors evident. GOOD

7.0-8.0

Overall,this essay should achieve 7.5 overall and is very close to 8.0

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